Self indulgent pettiness

I feel petty and I am petty and that's okay for now. I'm tired of rejection, I'm tired of being different, I'm tired of people assigning motives to me that aren't valid. I'm tired of being suicidally depressed, I'm tired of not sleeping, I'm tired of envisioning my demise.

I'm pissed that I wasn't invited to the game night/party night on Saturday, even though I would not have been able to go. I'm pissed that I was excluded by my friends and that they made no effort to hide it from me. I'm pissed that I needed to go claim my tin, ring, and knife yesterday which meant I had to go to the house instead of staying at home to hibernate like my gut was begging of me. I'm pissed that somehow I became a charity case last week, though of course no one said anything (insert disbelief here). I'm pissed that I didn't take my brother up on his invite yesterday. I'm pissed that I skipped church again to get some sleep. I'm pissed that I can't sleep through the night. I'm pissed that certain people don't care for my friendship because I am ugly and fat. I'm pissed that all I want to do is eat a bullet. I'm pissed that I'm too scared to do it. I'm pissed that I'm so self absorbed.

I'm so worn from this depression. It's beating the life right out of me again. The ties that are binding me here are loosening. Eventually the weaker fighter will be knocked out. She can only get up so many times.