Three days in
and I can't say much beyond Lord have mercy on me.
By midmorning on Monday, I had already abandoned my 'pious' self for the indulgent and self righteous one. No, I didn't eat anything untoward, but I certainly judged two fellow Orthodox, prolly plenty of non-Orthodox, I was angry and full of self righteous fizz. I was hungry, but I was fasting. I was already wanting to read sites I had said I would break from for the Fast. I was already obsessively checking email. I was already losing. I don't know how to attain union with God save for the grace of the sacraments that I *never* deserve and probably shouldn't receive (the canons would certainly forbid them to me). Gracefully, my priest would not accept my faux-piety to keep me from the sacraments, as they are sources of life, healing, and union with God.
I really wish I could be at liturgy tonight instead of going to class. But this is the final session and I get to go to church on Friday, God willing. The psalms of the presanctified are flowing through my mind and I'm fighting back the tears - but are they tears of repentance or only emotion? This is such a powerful time of year and it's so beautiful - I'm terrified I will miss God. I am feeling my separation from the things of God more than ever. People tell me that means I am off to a good start for Lent, but I don't trust that these feelings aren't simply indicative of my arrogant self fabricating emotion for my lenten pride.
Would that I could pray this psalm with integrity and truthfulness. But I can't. So I'll shut up now and let the beauty of the psalmist's prayer speak for itself.
Psalm 131
A Song of Ascents. Of David.
1 LORD, my heart is not haughty,
Nor my eyes lofty.
Neither do I concern myself with great matters,
Nor with things too profound for me.
2 Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul,
Like a weaned child with his mother;
Like a weaned child is my soul within me.
3 O Israel, hope in the LORD
From this time forth and forever.
By midmorning on Monday, I had already abandoned my 'pious' self for the indulgent and self righteous one. No, I didn't eat anything untoward, but I certainly judged two fellow Orthodox, prolly plenty of non-Orthodox, I was angry and full of self righteous fizz. I was hungry, but I was fasting. I was already wanting to read sites I had said I would break from for the Fast. I was already obsessively checking email. I was already losing. I don't know how to attain union with God save for the grace of the sacraments that I *never* deserve and probably shouldn't receive (the canons would certainly forbid them to me). Gracefully, my priest would not accept my faux-piety to keep me from the sacraments, as they are sources of life, healing, and union with God.
I really wish I could be at liturgy tonight instead of going to class. But this is the final session and I get to go to church on Friday, God willing. The psalms of the presanctified are flowing through my mind and I'm fighting back the tears - but are they tears of repentance or only emotion? This is such a powerful time of year and it's so beautiful - I'm terrified I will miss God. I am feeling my separation from the things of God more than ever. People tell me that means I am off to a good start for Lent, but I don't trust that these feelings aren't simply indicative of my arrogant self fabricating emotion for my lenten pride.
Would that I could pray this psalm with integrity and truthfulness. But I can't. So I'll shut up now and let the beauty of the psalmist's prayer speak for itself.
Psalm 131
A Song of Ascents. Of David.
1 LORD, my heart is not haughty,
Nor my eyes lofty.
Neither do I concern myself with great matters,
Nor with things too profound for me.
2 Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul,
Like a weaned child with his mother;
Like a weaned child is my soul within me.
3 O Israel, hope in the LORD
From this time forth and forever.
posted by chickie at 1:16 PM
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