Glarg
Really sick of shooting self in the feets. REALLY sick of being an idiot. SUPER EXTRY LIKE SICK of sticking my head in a bucket of stress and inhaling.
If I can tread another three weeks, I really should be okay.
Grateful to have been able to receive the Eucharist today. So not worthy, so never will be - so thankful for God's grace and mercy that carry and cover me and always beckon me home. Really wish they could understand.
I made a good choice yesterday to skip the island. I'm not ready to face that situation. Thankful to L for honoring that it is a breakup situation - made me feel less crazy. I miss him and there isn't enough distance yet for me to be at *his* house and it all to be hunky con dory. It's still too raw. Hopefully he'll show to a function in Ballard in the fall and we can mesh I can get over it all.
I found a Halloween costume I think I like - I'm going as winter with A, J, & S going as the other three seasons. I'm leaning towards a silver top and skirt (all flowy and pan-ish ha ha) with silver and blue accessories and makeup. Keep it simple but make it cool (in the implied temperature sense - if it's kewl, that's an added bonus).
Need to go write an outline for my paper. I am just so disconnected these days and it worries me. I can't focus on much of anything. Yesterday I got the home cleaned all through and read a bunch, highlighting passages to use for the paper - today I need to get the outline done so I can write write write tomorrow. Making a fair effort will enable me to get out of the retreat guilt free if I need to.
I just want to be stable for awhile with a shred of confidence in myself. Writing is difficult for me because I fear being shredded by the prof for my lack of academics and general lack of smarts. It's never happened - I get great marks and I get great comments. Even after class the other night there were heaps of compliments on my facilitated discussion and good convo with the prof. But still: I am hamstrung by my insecurity. Either way it'll be over in four days. No wonder turtles fascinate.
Lord have mercy.
If I can tread another three weeks, I really should be okay.
Grateful to have been able to receive the Eucharist today. So not worthy, so never will be - so thankful for God's grace and mercy that carry and cover me and always beckon me home. Really wish they could understand.
I made a good choice yesterday to skip the island. I'm not ready to face that situation. Thankful to L for honoring that it is a breakup situation - made me feel less crazy. I miss him and there isn't enough distance yet for me to be at *his* house and it all to be hunky con dory. It's still too raw. Hopefully he'll show to a function in Ballard in the fall and we can mesh I can get over it all.
I found a Halloween costume I think I like - I'm going as winter with A, J, & S going as the other three seasons. I'm leaning towards a silver top and skirt (all flowy and pan-ish ha ha) with silver and blue accessories and makeup. Keep it simple but make it cool (in the implied temperature sense - if it's kewl, that's an added bonus).
Need to go write an outline for my paper. I am just so disconnected these days and it worries me. I can't focus on much of anything. Yesterday I got the home cleaned all through and read a bunch, highlighting passages to use for the paper - today I need to get the outline done so I can write write write tomorrow. Making a fair effort will enable me to get out of the retreat guilt free if I need to.
I just want to be stable for awhile with a shred of confidence in myself. Writing is difficult for me because I fear being shredded by the prof for my lack of academics and general lack of smarts. It's never happened - I get great marks and I get great comments. Even after class the other night there were heaps of compliments on my facilitated discussion and good convo with the prof. But still: I am hamstrung by my insecurity. Either way it'll be over in four days. No wonder turtles fascinate.
Lord have mercy.
posted by chickie at 9:19 PM
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