Remembering redux
I took off the ring I referenced in this post.
Partly due to swelling from the sweltering heat, but partly due to a shift in direction in my life. I will always love Jeffrey and I will always remember him and carry a bit of him in my heart. But I got tired of explaining why I was wearing a ring with two hearts on it, what since I am single and since he is dead now five years.
I remember the last time I spoke with him. I was having breakfast with some friends and he came in to the restaurant. He asked if he could talk with me alone and I said no. He sat with me for a couple of minutes and we just watched each other, saying nothing and yet everything. But I couldn't be with him so I told him to go. We were both very, very sad.
I remember the last time I saw him. I stopped into our old haunt to ring a cab after some event downtown and he walked in with a group. He didn't see me but I couldn't take my eyes off his beautiful, frustrating mug. I didn't - couldn't say anything to him so I left. It had all come flooding back, as fond emotions are wont to do in an isolated moment. He looked good.
So why now? Why take off the ring that we got for me to wear? The ring that no one else knows the real story behind?
I'm learning to put things in their place, to put memories in perspective, to let the past be the past. Letting go of this tangible symbol of my relationship with Jeffrey is overdue. It does not mean I forget him, nor does it mean I love him any less. I pray for him and keep him in my heart. He has gone to God, whose mercy is more than I could ever give. I don't know the fate of his soul, but I pray for God's eternal goodness to cover and remit his sins. More than that, I cannot suppose to say or to know.
But I know that I am being called to move on, to go to the Next, whatever that is.
The soul-thirst has been awakened and I am to pursue it, to give myself wholly to the I Am. I have been unaware of Him, numb to the absence of the fulness of the Spirit, satisfied with what is not sanctified. All glory to God, He has not abandoned me in my sin. He has continued to pour out His grace and mercy. In Him is my life. He knows more than I ever could how to love, for He is Love.
~~*In your love, oh Lord, have mercy on the soul of the departed Jeffrey.*~~
Partly due to swelling from the sweltering heat, but partly due to a shift in direction in my life. I will always love Jeffrey and I will always remember him and carry a bit of him in my heart. But I got tired of explaining why I was wearing a ring with two hearts on it, what since I am single and since he is dead now five years.
I remember the last time I spoke with him. I was having breakfast with some friends and he came in to the restaurant. He asked if he could talk with me alone and I said no. He sat with me for a couple of minutes and we just watched each other, saying nothing and yet everything. But I couldn't be with him so I told him to go. We were both very, very sad.
I remember the last time I saw him. I stopped into our old haunt to ring a cab after some event downtown and he walked in with a group. He didn't see me but I couldn't take my eyes off his beautiful, frustrating mug. I didn't - couldn't say anything to him so I left. It had all come flooding back, as fond emotions are wont to do in an isolated moment. He looked good.
So why now? Why take off the ring that we got for me to wear? The ring that no one else knows the real story behind?
I'm learning to put things in their place, to put memories in perspective, to let the past be the past. Letting go of this tangible symbol of my relationship with Jeffrey is overdue. It does not mean I forget him, nor does it mean I love him any less. I pray for him and keep him in my heart. He has gone to God, whose mercy is more than I could ever give. I don't know the fate of his soul, but I pray for God's eternal goodness to cover and remit his sins. More than that, I cannot suppose to say or to know.
But I know that I am being called to move on, to go to the Next, whatever that is.
The soul-thirst has been awakened and I am to pursue it, to give myself wholly to the I Am. I have been unaware of Him, numb to the absence of the fulness of the Spirit, satisfied with what is not sanctified. All glory to God, He has not abandoned me in my sin. He has continued to pour out His grace and mercy. In Him is my life. He knows more than I ever could how to love, for He is Love.
~~*In your love, oh Lord, have mercy on the soul of the departed Jeffrey.*~~
posted by chickie at 10:05 PM
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