Booklust

So even though I'm off the buying of the books, I do still browse. I have a list of books I'm interested in obtaining, either through borrowing or direct purchase.

And I wonder about this list. I'm eager to maintain it, look at it, wonder about the goodness (or lack thereof) contained within the pages referenced. And I wonder how is this *at all* keeping the spirit of the Fast?

The fast is not about self deprivation, but drawing closer to God. It's not about what I do or don't give up, it's about resisting the passions that separate me from God.

But *I'm* doing it all. I've become this proud little big dieting person who's also not buying books or music instead of one who is fasting and refusing the passions. My greed is as strong as ever. Prayer is something I can hardly focus on, for all my lazy desires. I'm as cursatory and rude as ever, likely worse than I care to acknowledge. I'm weak and I don't know how to affect change from within, though I can perform on the outside just fine.

Fr. James says healing is natural, that we don't have to fight or command it, that we are designed to be healed.

I am still trying to force it and I don't know how to do otherwise.

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