The nightlight above my head is buzzing
With all the brilliance my wee mind can muster.
Let's say that yesterday I spoke with my nearest and dearest on the phone. Then let's say that she told me that she had been to a certain place of former employ for the both of us. And while she was there, she heard that a certain former coworker is now engaged.
Now the relationship we had with said engagee was not a pretty one. Initially, he and I were bang up friends but then the real bang came along and we were no longer on friendly terms for a variety of reasons. L despised him and I loathed him with all my being. As is the nature of such grudges and animosity, this affected me and not the object of my loathing. I became one bitter bitch towards him and everyone knew it. I could justify it by saying how he was disliked by everyone no matter their level in the company. I could also say more than one tale of his jackassian behavior, proving me to be in the 'right' with my attitudes.
Truth be told, I self indulgently enjoyed being the mean psychotic, because at the time I thought it was a proper release and hell, he didn't deserve any better since he was such an unmentionable bleepity bleep. I milked the hate and rage, celebrating it in gossip with many and constantly dreaming up elaborate plans of revenge to entertain my mind. Basically, I was the jackassinal bleepity bleep I accused him of being.
So yesterday just a few minutes before my convo with L, I was pondering my need to let go of grudges and the like as part of my healing.
So when she told me the news and I let fly with typically funny yet utterly condemning remarks about the dude.
Then went the nightlight. Like Beavis, I paused with confusion at the strange sensation. In that moment, I was given the awareness of what I was doing as I was doing it. I had to stop myself in midslam and correct myself. It was kinda cool. I got to apologize to L, revise my statement to one where I simply said, "I do hope the best for R and that he is happy and at peace."
And I meant it. It felt so damn good to be genuinely happy for the guy. All that time I wasted hating him wasn't worth anything except this lesson. Not that I'd do things the same way if I were to get in the capsule and travel back to those days. I don't get to choose my neighbors and as the Good Book says, to love your neighbor as yourself is one of the biggies.
May the light continue to flicker as needed. May it someday be needed with less frequency.
you can bomb the world to pieces, but you can't bomb it into peace
Let's say that yesterday I spoke with my nearest and dearest on the phone. Then let's say that she told me that she had been to a certain place of former employ for the both of us. And while she was there, she heard that a certain former coworker is now engaged.
Now the relationship we had with said engagee was not a pretty one. Initially, he and I were bang up friends but then the real bang came along and we were no longer on friendly terms for a variety of reasons. L despised him and I loathed him with all my being. As is the nature of such grudges and animosity, this affected me and not the object of my loathing. I became one bitter bitch towards him and everyone knew it. I could justify it by saying how he was disliked by everyone no matter their level in the company. I could also say more than one tale of his jackassian behavior, proving me to be in the 'right' with my attitudes.
Truth be told, I self indulgently enjoyed being the mean psychotic, because at the time I thought it was a proper release and hell, he didn't deserve any better since he was such an unmentionable bleepity bleep. I milked the hate and rage, celebrating it in gossip with many and constantly dreaming up elaborate plans of revenge to entertain my mind. Basically, I was the jackassinal bleepity bleep I accused him of being.
So yesterday just a few minutes before my convo with L, I was pondering my need to let go of grudges and the like as part of my healing.
So when she told me the news and I let fly with typically funny yet utterly condemning remarks about the dude.
Then went the nightlight. Like Beavis, I paused with confusion at the strange sensation. In that moment, I was given the awareness of what I was doing as I was doing it. I had to stop myself in midslam and correct myself. It was kinda cool. I got to apologize to L, revise my statement to one where I simply said, "I do hope the best for R and that he is happy and at peace."
And I meant it. It felt so damn good to be genuinely happy for the guy. All that time I wasted hating him wasn't worth anything except this lesson. Not that I'd do things the same way if I were to get in the capsule and travel back to those days. I don't get to choose my neighbors and as the Good Book says, to love your neighbor as yourself is one of the biggies.
May the light continue to flicker as needed. May it someday be needed with less frequency.
you can bomb the world to pieces, but you can't bomb it into peace
posted by chickie at 3:02 PM
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