Oh the passions!

There is nothing easy about this week. The Great Fast has begun. And it is finals week. And I'm still not quite over my cold.

My papers are done and off to the prof, my cold is not debilitating and I actually prefer this voice.

My mind is on Lent and all that this time entails. My stomach is cranky and my body is tired from the last two weeks. Even still, the most difficult piece is trying for even a few minutes to not be obsessed with my passions.

I'm finding out how seriously addicted I am to money and greed.

Since I decided only to purchase essentials for myself during Lent, I went on a spending spree in advance and procured a variety of new clothing items. I *needed* them, I told myself.

I have been in the school bookstore twice this week, poring over the shelves, my mind thirsty for me to grab and purchase several. On Monday, I think (day one!!) - I had a list of four books I need to get that first week of May. Today I found a few more, though I declined to put them on a list.

I'm still thinking about the two cd's I said I was going to purchase before Lent but didn't. I'm fighting with myself about whether or not they should be grandfathered. (The answer is no but the battle rages.)

My meals this week have been a sandwich and soup at night. On Monday I was convinced I needed to buy more bread, despite the fact that I had several pieces of two different loaves still in the fridge and they each toast well. And don't get me started on the hickory smoked Wildwood tofu (schlup) issue.

I went home to lunch on Monday and instead of resting or reading, I rolled change.

I'm planning what all I will get on my extra 10% off at MadMarket. This week and next.

The thoughts are endless, the greed is overwhelming. If I have ever been hit upside the soul with a blinding light of what I need to work on, it's this. The forty days have barely begun and I feel as if I'm in the middle of a never-ending battle.

My wallet is empty and I'm committed to not food shopping until after the pre-sanctified and not doing the rest of it during Lent, but the struggle is there. The passion is there. The temptation is not going to go away.

What is victory? It is not in the resisting. I can resist and dig my heels in and still do nothing but obsess. I can come out of Lent starved for my passions.

Or I can begin to humble myself, truly repent and allow the Lord to work on changing me from within. To loosen my dependence on material goods and let them go. To be grateful for what I have and to live within my means. To endeavor to build a life around my claims of loving God.

This time is meant to be one where, like an athlete training for an event, we work more towards the things of God. We tithe of our time, our bodies, our monies. Even so, as St. Basil said, it can all be for nothing. If I fast from foods but have a hardened heart, am I not the Pharisee proudly proclaiming my sacrifice?

I don't know how 'well' I will do with this fast. I have my hopes, I have my prayers, feeble though they be. I would prefer to have the discipline to keep the fast with reason, but ultimately whether or not I eat cheese is irrelevant. It is turning my heart, soul, strength, and mind towards God that matters. Kyrie eleison.

True fasting lies in rejecting evil, holding one’s tongue, suppressing one’s hatred, and banishing one’s lust, evil words, lying, and betrayal of vows. ~ St. Basil the Great