Dissolving the stones that are cast?

I wonder if God's plan for my life is simply to get me to a point where I can begin to forgive myself. I wonder if that is my greatest personal challenge - if not, it is certainly one of the biggies. Right now, I just cannot let it go. Is it still suicide if it takes years to fully destruct? This fear, this loathing... nothing Vegas related. Just pure old fashioned despising the contents of my skin. Would that I had the strength. Though perhaps the lack of it will eventually be my salvation.

Kyrie eleison.

Wish I was a nomad, an Indian or a saint