Manufacturing despair

Is what I have been doing this week. Four days in a row in bed. Heaping negativity on myself. Dreaming of deaths that should be left alone.

I don't know why I do it. No, that's not true. I do it to try and find some meaning, some feeling. I'm a dry and rebellious soul refusing still to take my medicine. I don't know how to change the core. I can cry kyrie eleison over and over, yet my mind is wandering and I don't want to do the work of repentance, esp. without the glorious evangelical emotionalism of my youth and I'm afraid of the love of God.

I'm on dangerous territory, as it were. I don't know how to snap out of it.