Dead weight

I wish I could go 20 minutes without crying.

I think that much of this is tied to my family. I love my family but they stress me out. And now that we are in a couple of weeks of big family time (2 birthdays and mother's day), the expectations of time are greater. And last year's birthday for me was SUCH a disaster, I'm just on edge. There is already plenty of anxiety about the 35 for me next week. I just want to curl up and hide. Or at least hibernate for a few months in the home with the beastly creatures. They are my refuge in this world. I know that makes me a bad Christian (along with a million other things) but I often need something tangible and my cats are my lifeline.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of having no one to call without interrupting someone else's life. I'm tired of making plans with others only to have them cancel or change, leaving me in the lurch. I'm tired of people expecting that the single woman will fit into their schedule. I'm tired of behaving poorly and of sabotaging myself. I'm tired of the swirling cycle. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being self conscious. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of exercising without toning up or losing weight. I'm tired of being humiliated for being myself. I'm just tired of life. I'm 35 next week and statistically speaking, I should expect to live until around 80. I simply cannot fathom another 45 years on this planet. That is the reality of my reality. I have no desire to live, yet I cannot die.