What I wish I could say
I wish I could be thankful that you came over last night and that you brought flowers for my birthday. But I really wish you had stayed home. I am not thankful you were there and in fact you went a long way towards nailing the coffin on a sad birthday.
It has been a few years since you have given me the angry silent treatment on my birthday but last night I felt as hated as I did when I was eight and you were telling me it was fitting that I shared a birthday with the Ayatollah, since he and I were equally awful. Seeing you facing away from us when we were eating, watching you with your arms crossed while you huffed on the couch, seeing you purposely walk 50 feet behind on the way to dessert - you certainly got your point across.
I was hoping to share the evening in my new home with my family and have an easygoing, fun birthday, but that didn't happen. You came into my home and made me feel awful. Your pity party spread throughout the room like the smell of a rotten banana.
I thought the point of the birthday was to celebrate the life of the person in question. I wanted my celebration to begin with me showing thanks to my family - that's why I decided to make the simple dinner. The only thing I can think of to have set you off was my request that you not bring meat into my home for the dinner. Being vegetarian, I did not think this to be an unreasonable request. Would you bring bacon to a brunch at a kosher friend's house? A bottle of wine to someone who does not drink? Why would you bring meat to my home?
I have nothing to apologize for, though I have much to mourn. You will not be successful in guilting me on this one, though you have caused me deep sadness. This sadness will be healed in its time, healed by the grace of God and through the love of friends and other family.
If you wonder why we are not close, think on this incident and the ones like it in the past. Think of you calling me a 'fat slob of a pig'. Think of you turning out, up, and over everything I owned in my room when I was in my last year of living with you - of me coming home to see *everything* I owned piled in my room, much of it broken and trashed. Think of you *denying* that you did anything of the sort when I came back home a week later. Think of you beating me until I passed out when someone ripped the wallpaper in the bathroom and I said it was me so that you wouldn't endlessly hit all of us (and then think of the trite 'sorry' you gave me when you found out it was your friend's kid). Think of you disowning me when M was pregnant, when I became Orthodox, when K was in C's life. Think of you telling me that I am no longer Christian and that you do not know me any longer when I became Orthodox. Think of these things and then think of how you have never once acknowledged the pain caused by your behaviors, claiming them to be 'valid' at the time and so therefore you have nothing to apologize for. Think on those things and wonder why your daughter does not draw herself any closer to you.
Blame it on distant, alcoholic parents if you like, blame it on being abandoned by your husband when your kids were little. Blame it on whatever you care to. But realize this: It was/is your choice to play the victim. You are an adult and you are responsible for your behaviors, attitudes, and actions.
In the same vein, so am I an adult responsible for my actions, attitudes, and behaviors. As such, I will no longer be available for you to dump your anger on. I will no longer beg you for reconciliation, nor will I pursue you when I see you are in this state. I owe it to myself to be healthy in both mind and body. I cried for half an hour last night after you left, because of the pain I felt from you. That was the last time you get me to such a state.
If you would care to be part of a reasonable relationship with me, I am open to beginning to build one with you. But until then, keep your anger to yourself. I'm done.
I wish you the best as I go.
It has been a few years since you have given me the angry silent treatment on my birthday but last night I felt as hated as I did when I was eight and you were telling me it was fitting that I shared a birthday with the Ayatollah, since he and I were equally awful. Seeing you facing away from us when we were eating, watching you with your arms crossed while you huffed on the couch, seeing you purposely walk 50 feet behind on the way to dessert - you certainly got your point across.
I was hoping to share the evening in my new home with my family and have an easygoing, fun birthday, but that didn't happen. You came into my home and made me feel awful. Your pity party spread throughout the room like the smell of a rotten banana.
I thought the point of the birthday was to celebrate the life of the person in question. I wanted my celebration to begin with me showing thanks to my family - that's why I decided to make the simple dinner. The only thing I can think of to have set you off was my request that you not bring meat into my home for the dinner. Being vegetarian, I did not think this to be an unreasonable request. Would you bring bacon to a brunch at a kosher friend's house? A bottle of wine to someone who does not drink? Why would you bring meat to my home?
I have nothing to apologize for, though I have much to mourn. You will not be successful in guilting me on this one, though you have caused me deep sadness. This sadness will be healed in its time, healed by the grace of God and through the love of friends and other family.
If you wonder why we are not close, think on this incident and the ones like it in the past. Think of you calling me a 'fat slob of a pig'. Think of you turning out, up, and over everything I owned in my room when I was in my last year of living with you - of me coming home to see *everything* I owned piled in my room, much of it broken and trashed. Think of you *denying* that you did anything of the sort when I came back home a week later. Think of you beating me until I passed out when someone ripped the wallpaper in the bathroom and I said it was me so that you wouldn't endlessly hit all of us (and then think of the trite 'sorry' you gave me when you found out it was your friend's kid). Think of you disowning me when M was pregnant, when I became Orthodox, when K was in C's life. Think of you telling me that I am no longer Christian and that you do not know me any longer when I became Orthodox. Think of these things and then think of how you have never once acknowledged the pain caused by your behaviors, claiming them to be 'valid' at the time and so therefore you have nothing to apologize for. Think on those things and wonder why your daughter does not draw herself any closer to you.
Blame it on distant, alcoholic parents if you like, blame it on being abandoned by your husband when your kids were little. Blame it on whatever you care to. But realize this: It was/is your choice to play the victim. You are an adult and you are responsible for your behaviors, attitudes, and actions.
In the same vein, so am I an adult responsible for my actions, attitudes, and behaviors. As such, I will no longer be available for you to dump your anger on. I will no longer beg you for reconciliation, nor will I pursue you when I see you are in this state. I owe it to myself to be healthy in both mind and body. I cried for half an hour last night after you left, because of the pain I felt from you. That was the last time you get me to such a state.
If you would care to be part of a reasonable relationship with me, I am open to beginning to build one with you. But until then, keep your anger to yourself. I'm done.
I wish you the best as I go.
posted by chickie at 10:37 AM
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