Continuing to survive

I guess that is the most honest way to label what I'm up to this past week. I'm gasping for life and slowly getting enough to keep going. I missed work yesterday because I couldn't move. Today I was there but I didn't do much. I have a large project due in 23 hours that I have not yet begun to work on. I didn't call my friend to talk about how to handle this depression because I didn't want to sob my way through a conversation.

I did email my doctor awhile ago, asking to be put back on antidepressants. I figure dreaming of death and suicide for two weeks straight and not being able to stop the sadness, being broken at the core is good enough reason. It helped before, maybe it can help again. I hate the fact that I feel I have to justify why I need medical help.

Really I want to lay on my bed and scream into a pillow until my throat won't utter another sound. I want to holler out this pain. I want someone to hold me while I weep out the sadness. I want strong arms around me to keep me safe from myself while I cry it out. I'm not a danger to myself physically - I won't suicide or cut or burn or any of the other things. But this endless sadness wounds me just the same. It is as if someone is in there, squeezing my heart like a sponge. My eyes are tired and red from the tears. My bones are weary. My back is tired. Everything just hurts and it's not letting up.

I've been through this before. I will survive it somehow. I may be weaker and worse for the wear but I will make it through to a more peaceful time. My boss told me to be gentle with myself. Sound words, but they seem so far away. For now, it's just a veil of tears. With the occasional breath.