Coming clean

I've still not told anyone in my family about the depression and related stuff. I can tell people I have no emotional investment with, but my family is too close to know. I'm conflicted about it, but as long as the conflict exists, I need to keep it inside.

However, I've wondered how I would tell them. Guess what! Suicidal tendencies produced a breakdown in December and now I'm on meds and have been through some treatment and I've mostly plateaued since then! Sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't want you all to be up in my bidness! But the good news is that I don't burn or cut myself anymore and I'm aware that daydreaming about hanging myself is irrational!

Would it be in person with both of the adults there or by email or by letter? How do you look at your mother and tell her that her offspring has a serious death wish? How do you look at your brother and tell him if you had two more ounces of courage, he would not have a sister anymore? How would he be left to explain that to his girls? Would mom be relieved that there is an explanation for my body size, my reclusiveness, my introversion or would she be horrified that I've gone so far? How would it be to tell them that no they can't 'help' me and that I don't want them asking or checking in? Wouldn't that be enormously unfair? "Here's a 500# burden! Don't bring it up again! I'm still alive and that's all you need to know!"

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself. Not die is part of it, I guess. It's the rest I have to wade through yet.

- i n g o! - i n g o! - i n g o! and bingo was his name-o!