Tears

I spend a lot of time crying these days. I cry every day. I'm not even as depressed as I was last week. There's just a lot of sadness in my known world these days. If I could get paid for crying, I'd be sitting on a pretty pile of money. I'm amazed at how much energy crying takes out of me. My eyes are heavy and dry. My head hurts. I'm tired.

Pascha is less than three weeks away. I have not even begun to pray this Lent. I cling to the words of St. John Chrysostom's Paschal homily that beckon all to the feast, no matter how long we have labored. And I pray that some of my tears may turn to tears of repentance rather than the prevailing self oriented sadness.

My capstone is done. And I'm getting prescription glasses next week. I found small, light frames that are the most engaging color of red. Some colors give my heart a tweak and this red is one of them. I think they look stoopit on me, but the blurred vision and constant headaches necessitate a new course of eye-action. And they are pretty. I love the red. See - not all is lost.

An Inconvenient Bout

of depression, that is.

I simply do not have time right now to deal with depression and yet here I am crying again. I am too busy, I have less than two weeks to finish my capstone and I have yet to have finished the IRS paperwork for the club. The walls are closing in. I am beginning to panic about the paper and have been freaking already about the presentation. I was sick yesterday so I don't feel comfortable taking a writing day this week, but we'll see. And then there are the tears. My old friends, faithful in their visits. I'm not suiciding (and by that I mean daydreaming about it constantly) and I hope that God keeps me out of that cesspool. I know I need to do something about this again but I don't want to do meds again. I don't trust my doctor with my mental health and meds are her route. And yet I don't have time right now to re-orient my life and figure out the natural treatments that would help me. I hate being around people and I'm being something of a royal beetch to my friends because I just want to be left alone. So now I'm piling up offenses in their directions which you know, helps with the guilt and all. Church is painful and I'm nothing but distracted and empty when I'm there. I know I need to be faithful but I don't have the energy to repent right now. I stand on the hill of my life and look around, seeing nothing but failure. I don't know how to fix it right now. So I'm sucking in a big breath and hoping to survive myself for the next two weeks.