It's never so simple

as creating black and white boundaries.

Life is too complicated. People are too complicated. A couple of weeks ago when talking about how I prefer animals to people, I said I take that stance because people bring too much pain. Being close hurts me. I trust too much and yet I trust hardly at all. Both and. Time morphs relationships and reality into new beings and I don't have the fortitude to keep up. So I stay on the side, wallowing in my immaturity.

Tolerance, that oft volleyed ball of the left is truly a gift when it can be found. Tolerance is not liking those similar to you. Tolerance is accepting the opposite, making room for the difference. I do not advocate bland acceptance of all worldviews, religious perspectives, nor of political persuasions. But I strive not to demonize those with whom I disagree, those with whom the only common ground I might find is our need for oxygen. I sat this weekend and listened to my friends shred apart those with whom they disagree. And it's easy to do so because many of their points are valid. But they have no room for the different, for the uncomfortable.

It was painful, bothersome, and eventually boring to listen to them pat themselves on the back for being so clear of religious bias. Nevermind that their agnostic/atheist biases are as rooted in fundamentalism as the faith of Falwell. It was ironic to hear them tell me just 'how much' I could be open about my life before it became proselytization - while they were shoveling their beliefs down my throat. It was fantastic to hear their villification of all things faith based while then praising Buddhist practices (and yes, I know that Buddhism is not necessarily a theist practice) and other Eastern practices.

I hate being told, 'well Christians other than you do this' and then hearing a twelve page doublespaced one inch margin type paper being recited of all the evils in the world and how they are the fault of Christianity alone. Christians are capable of and responsible for plenty of horrors, yet the opposite is also true. I won't hash it all out, but think of the hospitals, orphanages, adoption agencies, homeless shelters, job training centers, schools, etc. that are run by, supported by, and borne of Christian charity. Christians are leading the fight to get WHISNEC closed, Christians are often among the first to stand up against the death penalty. Christians are heavily involved in the fair trade movement, calling for just wages and treatment of workers throughout the world.

Christians do a lot of good. We don't all have horns.

You can build your box to pen us all into your scenarios but don't be surprised if the walls don't hold together for long.

What I wish I could say

I wish I could be thankful that you came over last night and that you brought flowers for my birthday. But I really wish you had stayed home. I am not thankful you were there and in fact you went a long way towards nailing the coffin on a sad birthday.

It has been a few years since you have given me the angry silent treatment on my birthday but last night I felt as hated as I did when I was eight and you were telling me it was fitting that I shared a birthday with the Ayatollah, since he and I were equally awful. Seeing you facing away from us when we were eating, watching you with your arms crossed while you huffed on the couch, seeing you purposely walk 50 feet behind on the way to dessert - you certainly got your point across.

I was hoping to share the evening in my new home with my family and have an easygoing, fun birthday, but that didn't happen. You came into my home and made me feel awful. Your pity party spread throughout the room like the smell of a rotten banana.

I thought the point of the birthday was to celebrate the life of the person in question. I wanted my celebration to begin with me showing thanks to my family - that's why I decided to make the simple dinner. The only thing I can think of to have set you off was my request that you not bring meat into my home for the dinner. Being vegetarian, I did not think this to be an unreasonable request. Would you bring bacon to a brunch at a kosher friend's house? A bottle of wine to someone who does not drink? Why would you bring meat to my home?

I have nothing to apologize for, though I have much to mourn. You will not be successful in guilting me on this one, though you have caused me deep sadness. This sadness will be healed in its time, healed by the grace of God and through the love of friends and other family.

If you wonder why we are not close, think on this incident and the ones like it in the past. Think of you calling me a 'fat slob of a pig'. Think of you turning out, up, and over everything I owned in my room when I was in my last year of living with you - of me coming home to see *everything* I owned piled in my room, much of it broken and trashed. Think of you *denying* that you did anything of the sort when I came back home a week later. Think of you beating me until I passed out when someone ripped the wallpaper in the bathroom and I said it was me so that you wouldn't endlessly hit all of us (and then think of the trite 'sorry' you gave me when you found out it was your friend's kid). Think of you disowning me when M was pregnant, when I became Orthodox, when K was in C's life. Think of you telling me that I am no longer Christian and that you do not know me any longer when I became Orthodox. Think of these things and then think of how you have never once acknowledged the pain caused by your behaviors, claiming them to be 'valid' at the time and so therefore you have nothing to apologize for. Think on those things and wonder why your daughter does not draw herself any closer to you.

Blame it on distant, alcoholic parents if you like, blame it on being abandoned by your husband when your kids were little. Blame it on whatever you care to. But realize this: It was/is your choice to play the victim. You are an adult and you are responsible for your behaviors, attitudes, and actions.

In the same vein, so am I an adult responsible for my actions, attitudes, and behaviors. As such, I will no longer be available for you to dump your anger on. I will no longer beg you for reconciliation, nor will I pursue you when I see you are in this state. I owe it to myself to be healthy in both mind and body. I cried for half an hour last night after you left, because of the pain I felt from you. That was the last time you get me to such a state.

If you would care to be part of a reasonable relationship with me, I am open to beginning to build one with you. But until then, keep your anger to yourself. I'm done.

I wish you the best as I go.

Schlepping up the stairs

The move is kicking my patoot. I am still painting, painting, painting. God willing, I will finish tonight.

Then to the cleaning. Then to the finishing of the packing of my current place. Then to the move. Then to the cleaning of the soon to be old place. Then to the taking of the fuzzy ones to the new home and being there with them in their stress.

Can I just fastforward to next week when the worst of it all is over and I'm settling in to the new warehouse?

I want to put my curtains up. I want to put my picture up. I want to decide which side of the bed I will crawl into.

Really, I want some sleep. And to know for certain that I haven't done something utterly, ridiculously, unnecessarily stoopid. I hate having no grounding, even for just a few days.

the black cat changing colors