Lent is coming! Lent is coming!

Lo, the King of glory enters.
Lo, the Mystical Sacrifice is upborn, fulfilled!

The Bright Sorrow is soon upon us. Soon I will bow before the presanctified gifts. Soon I will be fasting. Soon I will be praying the hard prayer of St. Ephraim. Soon I will be adding many miles to the car and trying not to be frustrated in early evening traffic several times a week.

O Lord and Master of my life, take from me the spirit of sloth, despair, lust of power, and idle talk

I'm trying to prepare for forgiveness vespers - to face those for whom I carry a grudge or what not and truly be reconciled with them. It will be only the grace of God that allows such to manifest, as my heart is hard and cold with years of bitterness towards certain folk.

But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience, and love to thy servant.

Thankfully I have the coming season of repentance to continue to spur on my endeavors. My heart is grateful to have the Church that calls me to this hard, uncomfortable, but oh so amazing work.

Yea, O Lord and King, grant me to see my own transgressions and not to judge my brother. For blessed art Thou unto ages of ages. Amen.

Caught up plus a tad. Finally.

With the new year's rez-mo. The Northwest Burn Foundation has benefitted to the tune of nearly 300$ from me this month - half monies, half donations for the auction (all that went at or above stated value, thanks be). I spent so much time fretting over the details of my donations and interestingly enough I didn't notice hordes of gala attendees pointing and snickering at my creations.

Also added NHM back to the list of recipients of my few pence, so when next I find myself drooling over the Chemical Brothers, I will have less of a reason not to indulge. Oh the glories of being so indulgent in material goods. Gah.

Simplicity

Perhaps an overly abused concept in my world - an ideal I've barely begun to practice yet one I like to proclaim.

The ideals of simplicity for me go beyond not being beholden to a cell phone, scheduling every moment of my time, or piling on the dvd/cd/book collection (uhhh). It's about slowing down, being less dependent on things or media stimuli and creating my world instead of reacting to the world around me. Even that is a rather trite little list.

True simplicity begins with a peaceful heart, a love for my neighbor, removing the blockades I have set against others. I waste so much energy on holding grudges, inflating offenses and searching for the worst in others that I have wound up a bitter, frightened person.

I'm too young for that. My body, my mind, my spirit are paying the price for it already and statistically I have another 40ish years left. I'm passively killing myself.

So. How do I go about beginning to live a simpler life?

Slowly. :) Bit by bit. With intention, patience, perspective, and gratitude. And with the commitment to pick up and dust off when appropriate.

when you learn to love yourself you will dissolve all the stones that are cast

On being mentally ill

I am mentally ill. I'm functional and what not, but I am indeed in need of some fixin'.

My illness is depression. Not just blues/funky/self pity, though those do rear their heads on occasion. I mean fundamental, deeply dark, regularly suicidal depression. It's often misunderstood, mostly by me.

I've tried to pass it off as everything but what it is. I've blamed my status as sinner, I've blamed it on my family situation, I've blamed everything to avoid dealing with the fact that there is something chemically askew. I'm still not sure what that fear was about and I think my lack of knowledge is due to the fact that I'm not ready to admit the reasons to myself. I'm not digging very deep for the answers. Heck-mo, I can't even tell my family or friends. The only people I can talk to about it are strangers.

I was a 19 on the severity scale when I dissolved into a bucket of tears with the doctor. 11 and above is considered severe/acute. As my g-m said, I might have waited a bit too long to get help.

I'm now around a 5 or 6 on the same scale after three months of medication and two months of group. Julia has given a really useful variety of tools I can use after the class is over. The women there might or might not wind up in a support group - I'd be interested in being a part of it but won't bend too much if scheduling conflicts arise.

I have support from my g-m, Fr. James, and the other very few people who know. I am gaining ground on developing health. I know my limits with certain things, I know what I cannot handle and I know what I need to embrace.

I know this will never go completely away but I also know that it doesn't have to win. But I won't be in control if I can't acknowledge it. So now I've announced it to the world without having told anyone. *click*

when you're lost and alone, that's when the rainbow comes

Ego

Isn't 99% of posting on message boards, blogs, or chat rooms about ego? About being heard/seen by others? Why is ego automatically bad?

I protect my fragile ego a lot of times by not speaking up in debate or uncomfortable personal situations. I don't see it as any different than the certain person who lets every thought come flying out of their mouth or through their keyboard - it's just the way *I* approach things. I determine what is best for me, I determine what actions I will take, I am autonomous. Isn't this ego? Why is ego a curse word?

the beatles devoured all there was to be found

perspective

I recommend standing on the back of your couch or on your chair or even laying down on the floor and looking around. Seeing things differently every now and again can be fascinating, even if they are simply the same ole same ole things.

Glarg.

It's not without irony that I look at my last two posts. The depressive me is in the driver's seat right now. The other part of me, the part that loves and wants to live and celebrate life isn't dead, but rather overwhelmed.

Trying to justify anything I've said would only result in further frustration. Just be awares that it's not lost on me.

Self indulgent pettiness

I feel petty and I am petty and that's okay for now. I'm tired of rejection, I'm tired of being different, I'm tired of people assigning motives to me that aren't valid. I'm tired of being suicidally depressed, I'm tired of not sleeping, I'm tired of envisioning my demise.

I'm pissed that I wasn't invited to the game night/party night on Saturday, even though I would not have been able to go. I'm pissed that I was excluded by my friends and that they made no effort to hide it from me. I'm pissed that I needed to go claim my tin, ring, and knife yesterday which meant I had to go to the house instead of staying at home to hibernate like my gut was begging of me. I'm pissed that somehow I became a charity case last week, though of course no one said anything (insert disbelief here). I'm pissed that I didn't take my brother up on his invite yesterday. I'm pissed that I skipped church again to get some sleep. I'm pissed that I can't sleep through the night. I'm pissed that certain people don't care for my friendship because I am ugly and fat. I'm pissed that all I want to do is eat a bullet. I'm pissed that I'm too scared to do it. I'm pissed that I'm so self absorbed.

I'm so worn from this depression. It's beating the life right out of me again. The ties that are binding me here are loosening. Eventually the weaker fighter will be knocked out. She can only get up so many times.

As you enter your rest...

Memory eternal, Felicitas.

Thank you for your life, your struggle, your faith. You are an icon of the faith who will never depart the hearts of those who knew you.

May the Lord grant you rest in Abraham's bosom.

Pray for us.

pretend this is a litany of curse words

...and you'll have my mood.

Organics are of importance to me. Local is of importance to me. I'm a co-op shopper, organics and locals take preference. I avoid gmo's with vigor. I buy in bulk, recycle my bread bags, bake my own on occasion, recycle darn near everything blah blah blah. I'd compost if I had outside and I'd have a garden if I had any ground.

I indulge in some guilty pleasure processed foods. Mainly, gimmelean sausage, tofurky slices, kettle tortilla chips, and the occasional veggie corndogs. These are not necessarily healthy but they are good for the mental status.

Blast it all to discover that Lightlife is owned by ConAgra. Blast it all to find out that some of HainCelestial's main investors are (among others) Wal~Mart, Philip Morris, Merck and *&%$)!> Monsanto. The evil, evil Monster, oops I mean santo, is also a principle stockholder General Mills, owner of Small Planet Foods. SPF brands are Cascadian Farms and Muir Glen. Other General Mills owners include Disney, Dupont, McDonald's , Philip Morris, and Target.

Check out the OCA site for more info.

Nothing is out of reach of big bucks anymore. Makes me sick.

what ho, then

Wells, I need to starts making goods on my new year's rezzie. Seems someone (self) had to hit the stores last week and didn't walk out empty handed. Shockingly full handed, in fact: Afro-Celts (2), Allison Krauss (2), Lemon Jelly (!), Stevie Ray, Ray LaMontagne, more Dead, Spearhead live sets (2). Thinks that's the musics. Then stroll-ed down the way and wound up impulsing on the first three seasons of Curb. All tunes & discs totalled, it's about $250. Gah. Love it all though. Must start writing some checks. At least the tally is documented here so's I can'ts get to trimming it down.

Horrid, horrid consumption.

wandering

The mind is not contained. Grasping for what lies ahead, kicking off the past, worrying through the present.

Confusion, lack of clarity, rush race rush.

Breathe, pause, rest, be.

the sky was yellow and the sun was blue