Manufacturing despair

Is what I have been doing this week. Four days in a row in bed. Heaping negativity on myself. Dreaming of deaths that should be left alone.

I don't know why I do it. No, that's not true. I do it to try and find some meaning, some feeling. I'm a dry and rebellious soul refusing still to take my medicine. I don't know how to change the core. I can cry kyrie eleison over and over, yet my mind is wandering and I don't want to do the work of repentance, esp. without the glorious evangelical emotionalism of my youth and I'm afraid of the love of God.

I'm on dangerous territory, as it were. I don't know how to snap out of it.

Ha!

I will never learn. I will never not be a last minute student. It is how I function best and it always pays off. Yet another paper back - begun two hours before it was due - with high accolades and an A. Words like super - superior command of concepts - excellent use of theories - peppered throughout. It happens every quarter - I think I'm going to fail out and I get high marks and great comments from my profs. Oh to have confidence fall into my world someday.

shaking the tree

dream a little dream

a blustery evening, dark and lonely. the only place is the place where we are.

dinner with e. something down home like veg shepherd's pie (he will convert!) and some greens. yummy thick beer. a candle, sure, but casual. split a chocolate for dessert.

lemon jelly in the background. scrabble or boggle or some such kinda game. probably boggle since i can't keep up with him wordwise and it evens out the field a touch. neither gets pissy if (when) a force of felinity disrupts the board.

at one a.m., realize it's not too long til the dawn. decide to wait for it. brew some tea, settle on the couch to watch the branches and listen to the driving rain against the windows.

just being and talking until sleep overtakes or the dawn brightens. the comfort of being together. the ease of it all. dags, i do have it for the dude, eh?

the wheel it is turning, spinning 'round and 'round

Dissolving the stones that are cast?

I wonder if God's plan for my life is simply to get me to a point where I can begin to forgive myself. I wonder if that is my greatest personal challenge - if not, it is certainly one of the biggies. Right now, I just cannot let it go. Is it still suicide if it takes years to fully destruct? This fear, this loathing... nothing Vegas related. Just pure old fashioned despising the contents of my skin. Would that I had the strength. Though perhaps the lack of it will eventually be my salvation.

Kyrie eleison.

Wish I was a nomad, an Indian or a saint