And she was

Actions - words - words - actions the other night stand to get me in a lot lot of trouble. Part of the trouble is I don't know if I dreamed certain parts or if I really acted them out. I'm soooo not happy not only with my 'performance' the other night but also with the ongoing lack of introspection and change-making I know I need to embark on. Not caring for my spirit has gotten me to the point where I humiliated myself in front of one of my nearest and dearest - and possibly included one of my sisterlike friends. I simply don't know because I was simply drunk and was not in cognitive control of my behavior. I say that without trying to put responsibility elsewhere - it was my choice to go, my choice to drink, my choice to drink too much, and my choice to hurt and possibly alienate some of my best friends.

This sucks.

click click, see you later

Edit: It turns out to all have been a dream. I did nothing, said nothing, got in no trouble. I did have a couple too many beers, but I was a happy go lucky buzzhead. Still: gah.

Growing up

I know after this weekend that there are serious changes ahead. I've been preparing for them for a long time now and I am ready to embrace them. It feels strange, not knowing how others will react and not knowing how well I will (or won't) be able to communicate with them as I meander towards Being Different. I don't even really know what all the differences will be yet. That's to be found out as I wander.


My ghost likes to travel.

Another day, another digit

I made it to tirty tree! If only today were a Tursday...

It's been an interesting last week in thinking of my booday. I've done some nesting to create myself a better home and personal life. I've done some thinking about practical goals to set and achieve.

I've done a lot of remembering - and for some reason unknown to me, many of the bad memories have resurfaced after years. I won't type of them here as they don't deserve specific recognition, but lemme just say that it has been hard. When thinking about -me-, why must it be more painful than joyous? Actions long ago occurred and long ago atoned for still sear my heart. What am I missing? I wouldn't bring them up with anyone else involved, yet they pop up so easily when I remember my past. Some days I just don't have a clue. Today especially.

Alas, the future is still there. A green onion pancake is in my sights, a new disc is going into the player, a great book has captured my attention. More importantly, Christ is risen and He has trampled down death by death.

then in the nobler, sweeter song, i'll sing thy power to save