Sweet, sweet joy

It was nearly beyond incredible this morning to look out the windows of the church hall to see water falling from the heavens. Rain, glorious rain descended upon us today! On the way home I had to use my windshield wipers. I got wet standing outside.

I miss the stuff. I pray for its grand return in droves. I *nevAR* get tired of the drizzle, the gray, the showers, the invigorating rain. Not even in the darkest of November. This is life. I just don't get how folks can live in Arizona. :)

The sky is endlessly enchanting today.

Slowing up

I took the day off work today - I am struggling with motivation to be there these days and I really wanted a day to try and get myself in order after a period of internal chaos, frustration, poor choices, and other such self imposed roadblocks.

So I slept until 12:30. !!! I woke up a few times and did get up early in the morning to tend the felines, get some water and read, but halfway through my book, I dozed back off. It felt good to not WoRrY about when to rise & (fake) shine.

I did the daily chores - vacuuming, flushing the catbox, tidying up the kitchen, making the bed, etc. Then I decided not to postpone my exercising so I did my full E routine which took just about an hour and a half. It felt gooooood.

I then decided to work on some of the paint touchup I still need to do from before the move. I took care of touchups in the bedroom, hallway and kitchen. I apparently lost common sense since in the kitchen, I painted the back wall from the floor to the ceiling and mindlessly leaned back on the wall at one point, covering my clothes in Balmoral Red. At least I didn't drop a freshly rolled roller on my braids again. But as Jack is on his silent retreat, I couldn't do anything that would induce him to laughter (and I know he would psychicly know if I did that again. I barely had enough brushes for the different colors, but I had just enough. I still have to finish up in the living room, some trim pieces, the bathroom and the bathroom door. Perhaps the most exciting part is that now I can take several cans of paint and primer to the recycle facility, as I am done with them! That will free up a good amount of storage space under the sink.

After the painting, I slapped on a coat of H'suan Wen Hua and then luxuriated in a wonderful shower, finishing with a liberal use of tangerine sugar scrub. With my hair lightly scented with spice and my skin soft from the scrub, I put in some Pippy braids and tossed on some soft, comfy cotton houseclothes (aka: those I don't care about keeping the fur off of) and called myself done with work for the day.

I was going to have a spicy faux-chix burger for dinner with greens and some garlic fries but I decided to go for cheese and crackers with Tofurky slices instead. Obviously simpler and I had some Samish Bay cheese I needed to get to, so... Not a fasting day for me, but there will be plenty of opportunities next week so I take myself off the hook. In truth, I forgot it was Friday until it was too late. Heh.

Though I had expected to do more reading and less housework, today has been good. August promises to be a more hectic month what with starting school again early in the month and prepping for fall quarter, family vacation, camping, and lots of opportunities to be at church. I'm glad to have had this day to myself to kind of get myself in order. I'm so much happier when my home is in order and now that I'm knocking off all the 'I'll get to them later' tasks, it's feeling much more settled and homey. It will really help the next month, especially when time and money will be more considerably crunched than normal.

I'm off to watch the late edition of Oprah now. It's a show about poverty in America, focusing on the working poor and those who work full time at minimum wage and low wage jobs who still can't make ends meet. I'm not in particular a fan of Oprah but I do think that she often uses her power and influence for good. On this ignored and politically charged topic, I think she has some of the brightest potential to effectively reach middle America. I long for the day when we no longer punish and disdain the poor in our midst. On a local level, the loss of affordable rental housing in the city is scaring me for those who work at the lowest wage jobs - they will lose either their work or more time as they travel from further distances to the city to work. I can't afford to wait until it's me to care about poverty in America. There but for the grace of God go I.

Remembering redux

I took off the ring I referenced in this post.

Partly due to swelling from the sweltering heat, but partly due to a shift in direction in my life. I will always love Jeffrey and I will always remember him and carry a bit of him in my heart. But I got tired of explaining why I was wearing a ring with two hearts on it, what since I am single and since he is dead now five years.

I remember the last time I spoke with him. I was having breakfast with some friends and he came in to the restaurant. He asked if he could talk with me alone and I said no. He sat with me for a couple of minutes and we just watched each other, saying nothing and yet everything. But I couldn't be with him so I told him to go. We were both very, very sad.

I remember the last time I saw him. I stopped into our old haunt to ring a cab after some event downtown and he walked in with a group. He didn't see me but I couldn't take my eyes off his beautiful, frustrating mug. I didn't - couldn't say anything to him so I left. It had all come flooding back, as fond emotions are wont to do in an isolated moment. He looked good.

So why now? Why take off the ring that we got for me to wear? The ring that no one else knows the real story behind?

I'm learning to put things in their place, to put memories in perspective, to let the past be the past. Letting go of this tangible symbol of my relationship with Jeffrey is overdue. It does not mean I forget him, nor does it mean I love him any less. I pray for him and keep him in my heart. He has gone to God, whose mercy is more than I could ever give. I don't know the fate of his soul, but I pray for God's eternal goodness to cover and remit his sins. More than that, I cannot suppose to say or to know.

But I know that I am being called to move on, to go to the Next, whatever that is.

The soul-thirst has been awakened and I am to pursue it, to give myself wholly to the I Am. I have been unaware of Him, numb to the absence of the fulness of the Spirit, satisfied with what is not sanctified. All glory to God, He has not abandoned me in my sin. He has continued to pour out His grace and mercy. In Him is my life. He knows more than I ever could how to love, for He is Love.

~~*In your love, oh Lord, have mercy on the soul of the departed Jeffrey.*~~

Lord have mercy

On the innocents in Lebanon and Israel

On the guilty in Lebanon and Israel

On those who seek to mediate this war

On those who seek to inflame the war

On those who are for peace

On the Christians

On the Jews

On the Muslims

Lord have mercy on us all

On the forgotten of this world

On the poor throughout each land

On the victims of violence

On the perpetrators of violence

On those in Darfur

On those who perpetrate injustice

On those who allow injustice

Lord have mercy on us, even as we rebel against what is Holy

Howzit

That I manage to wrench up a fingernail not just once or twice, but THREE times in a few short hours?

I managed to jam the fingernail of my right ring finger on a piece of thin cardboard this afternoon whilst shuffling around in the trunk of my car (foiled by the Play Doh box actually). Then within two hours, I had hit *in an isolated fashion* that same fingernail twice more, lifting it from the nail bed on the left side and causing bleeding. It is now throbbing. It's like my little toe toenail on my left foot. A couple of months ago I dorpped something on it and then dropped another something on it and it all went black. The black is growing out but I continue to view it as a sign of my c-c-c-razy ability to wound myself in strange ways. It happens when I stub a toe but good as well - that toe becomes magnetic for doorways, corners, and walls.

I don't know why I remember this in the form of a blog, but I do. Wars, rumors of wars, injustice and evil parade in the world yet my mind is preoccupied with my fingernail.

It's the heat. Chickie don't do 90*, let alone 95.

i turned a corner today

The Joy of all that Sorrow

I bought this icon last year sometime to help me remember those who are forgotten - and especially those who have died destitute and alone; to pray for them and to give thanks that no matter what the world has done, God has not forgotten His own.

But now the icon is for me as well. I am in sorrow and I am in pain. I turn to the Theotokos and seek her protection and prayers. What a blessing to know that she will go before me to her Son and our God, to He who is Love.

Love stings right now but it's working on cleaning out my wounds to bring healing. I am not alone.

A headbutt?

Sad to see Zidane end his career with a loss of his temper in -ya know- the biggest game of them all. Not to dwell on his foolishness, but I must say I can relate to resorting to the base instincts of my sinful nature when it least suits the situation. Sad his moment came in front of the world's cameras.

Even so, felicitazioni to Italy on their remarkable World Cup and the well deserved victory! Only two goals allowed - one own goal against the U.S. and one on a penalty kick by Zidane. They were beautiful to watch during the last month. I still don't understand why they wear blue uniforms though. ETA: figured it out - tis the color of the royal house and the traditional color of all Italian sport uniforms. That and it represents their sky.

Oh to be able to dance with the ball at my feet like such as those...

Onward to South Africa.

Depression bites

:(

But the good news is that I made it to half of liturgy today - definitely more than I wanted to do for sure. And I heard what I neeeeeeeded to hear: total depravity is a lie. Grateful for God's grace in my time of struggle, I allowed myself to leave.

I moved a flower box to my bedroom window and am loving it. Bluebells falling all over themselves and it just makes me smile. I slept this afternoon and woke with all three BCs on the bed with me. A joy.

I have jury duty tomorrow and Wednesday so I will likely be able to read most of my days away. A positive.

Sadness. Saw Grandma yesterday and her body and mind continue to deteriorate. My heart aches with love for her and a longing for her to not continue this suffering forever. As God wills.

Off to make bruschetta for a BBQ tomorrow night. The veg*n always brings such practical BBQ food. Stunningly beautiful basil, garlic, and tomatoes from the farmer's market today. Going to toast baguette slices as well. Wish I didn't have to slog to the courthouse so early.

Hoping for France/Germany in the World Cup final.